10 Things you lose out on being Married!

This happens to be my last post, last post as a “Bachelor”! Yes, the cat has finally been belled and will be tied to the door this Thursday! Well, i don’t think that sounds too good but then it’s ok, she can understand.

I am back with my 10 things that I think I may lose out to when i am no longer a Bachelor. Well, different people have different notions and different perceptions, these happen to be mine and are not meant to contest or hurt anyone. J

1. Your life suddenly comes to a standstill, you no longer are allowed long evenings out with “The Boys”. Why? Because the women in your house, AKA Mom and Wifey suddenly lay down the rules that the gates to the house close at 7. It does not matter how much fun you are having, we are here to kill that!
2. You suddenly find yourself cornered. The Wife (hereafter referred to as “The Boss”) and The Mom (Here after referred to as “The Super Boss”) decide that you cannot squander your wealth on your bike; there are better things that you must spend your money on or save for.
3. You suddenly find that all your credit cards are missing from your wallet. The Boss has taken control of your purse string and your expenses have shot up. But these expenses are not on yourself but by “The Boss” on “The Boss” for supposedly you!
4. Your online account password is suddenly different and you don’t know what it is any longer! The Boss and The Super Boss had collectively decided that you need to save more. Best way, give no access to the account. When you don’t know what the balance is, how will you spend?
5. Your hairstyle miraculously changes. You can no longer afford to be the handsome hunk or the Casanova that you were earlier. You hairstyle is changed and you now have oiled hair so that you now look like a “Champu”. And why? So that not one girl may look at you or appreciate your looks. Better each time you look at a girl, she should look and snarl at you like a Rabid Dog so that you are scared.
6. There is a suddenly a new rule that anything and everything that you buy has to be bought for less. Why so that you spend less and save more. As a result The Boss and The Super Boss decide you would go to work in your Shorts. But those shorts would be so long that they reach your ankles! L
7. You can no longer laugh carefree. You now have to keep up appearances and look at your best. So what if that means that you only smile at a joke and not laugh at it!
8. The Boss decides that all your holidays are her property; it is solely her decision where you would go and where you wouldn’t.
9. There is a restriction to almost everything! Bachat!!! Savings! You would spend lesser time on the computer. That means that all “10 Things” posts now will continue to have a title with “10 Things” but will have 9 things only in it!
10. You can suddenly not farce and get away easily with it! You are now supposed to come clear with everything. As clear as water!

So long friends! Say buh bye to the Nirav you knew! The next time you read a blog post from me, remember, it is no longer that Bachelor Nirav that used to Blog. It is now the married Nirav. J

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10 Reasons to feel Jittery about your Wedding

As my D-Day nears, my jitteriness is rising by leaps and bounds. Unfortunately it feels like the butterflies in my stomach are so bloody horny that they are making babies in multiples every minute. I somehow fail to understand why this jitteriness fails to go away even though I have taken all precautions! Now I feel the only way out is to let not only the cat out of the bag but the horny butterflies out of my stomach too. This should make me a little less jittery hopefully for a while now.

1. Your Boss could downplay on you and deliver an under the belt hit. He may ask you to work on weekends that number up more than the number of paid leaves you are taking! If you are trying to imagine, don’t go too far, the Boss can well put poor Amjad Khan’s Gabbar to shame! “Kitne Leaves hain?” “Sarkaar 5 din” “5 din aur weekends sirf 3? Aakh thu!”
2. Your team mates may trump you by announcing that they are formally engaged and set to get married. They then come by and give you the card telling you they beat you in the race of getting married first! It actually never mattered that you had seniority by getting engaged first! The kiddos come up with this actually, “Nilav Bhaiyya main jeet gaya!!! Meli shaadi pehle ho lahi hai! J”
3. You start to get worried that there are so many things unfinished and unplanned yet. You actually realize you are even more DUD than you initially thought yourself to be. You know what; Murphy would have been ashamed of himself for setting up inadequate laws! There were so many more laws he could have come up with after seeing the wedding preparations and days getting closer!
4. You start losing your creative abilities. Even the abuses that were creatively hurled at people suddenly start sounding like pounding hammers. Abuses that earlier used to vaguely sound like songs being sung, now sound like donkeys braying!
5. Your blog starts looking barren and old. People actually start wondering if you are alive at all. Your blog which was so much as your life earlier is suddenly receiving step motherly treatment. In fact Lalita Pawar would have treated the blog better!
6. Your Mom suddenly starts sounding like a different person. Any question is perennially answered with answers like “I don’t know” or “I am too busy to answer anything now” or “Are you even aware how much work is pending! Get up you slug and start slogging yourself out!”
7. Your computer starts to develop all sorts of troubles. It in facts starts looking at you in such a way that it feels like a crime to be sitting with it. It’s like as though I am going to make it feel unwanted post the marriage! “Mere pyaare, mer bhole computer, main tumhe utna hi chahunga shaadi ke baad bhi, bas pyaar thoda bat jaayega! Thoda tumhare liye, aur bahut zyaada uske liye!”
8. You suddenly realize you have JabWeMetOPhobia! That is you have watched Jab We Met so many times that you start thinking you are Shahid Kapur. The harsh reality strikes hard when you look at your paunch and think, abbey tu to itna sa nanha munha sa pet tha, saale Matka kab ban gaya!
9. Also suddenly that matka starts to jiggle and wiggle so much that you decide you are no more going to wear the shirts you just bought, and still you wear them  because you spent on them or because your soon to be or by now, almost your wifey, just adores them on you!
10. You realize that what initially had started off as “10 things” has nothing more to fill and you start giving such weird answers at audits. When faced with questions like how do you know when the documents are complete you start answering with answers like “When there are no more points left to fill in you know that the document is complete!”

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10 things never to take for granted

When you are so used to writing in a particular style all through your blogging career, it becomes difficult to suddenly shift gears and adopt a new style. But what if that other style of yours happens to be an alter ego; somebody who is so very deeply infused in you that you stop taking notice of him? When someone appreciates your alter ego, you suddenly show ignorance whilst others take it that you are feigning ignorance. This is what happened to me the other day! Whilst I always spoke sarcastically, sometimes inducing humor, sometimes inducing contempt, I never knew that it was such a strong part of me that people actually appreciated it.

The 10 Things category that I came up with received decent to very good responses. These were things that I always thought existed. Something that I thought nobody ever needed to be told. But then it turns out that some things must never be taken for granted.

1. Never take for granted that you would be allowed to get away with an excuse like I am sleepy when your fiancé is demanding answers from you! It is sooner or later going to catch up on you! Worse, it would come back so hard at you that you would be left with a swollen jaw and ice pack on your head!
2. Moms are no less. Each time you take them for granted about any matter, whether it is getting grocery or it is about booking her tickets for her so called planned trip, you are bound to be opposed with one single united force! Maa ke aansu! Mom’s tears! The tear jerker is going to be so bad that you would give up all your resistance just to not see swollen red eyes the next morning.
3. Brothers can be one hell too! Never take for granted that you using weird short nicknames to hint to your fiancé that he is around will go unnoticed! It is definitely going to be escalated to the highest level of authority, AKA Mom! The next morning is going to be difficult after that to handle!
4. Dad. The lesser told the better! You can take him for a big ride once you are out of your studies life. It is absolutely not going to matter! But whilst you are still studying never take for granted that he does not know what you are doing. So what if you are a guy! Dad is still going to be so very updated on your studies, crushes and all school/college lafdas even if you don’t breathe about it to him! Uske baad jo hota hai, Bhagwaan bhi nahin bacha sakta!
5. Fiancé again. All her questions about how many girl friends you have had in the past or don’t you have any beautiful girls in your office are trick questions! Stay clear. As clear as you would be of a charging bull. Any attempt to take the bull by the horns is going to cost you dear! “Sheesh! How very obscene of you to check out girls when you are committed to me!”
6. Sisters. Another set of Moms revisited! Tear jerker power here apparently gets so powerful that nothing is going to help. If at all anything can help then it is that big hole in your pocket that they are trying to make. Right from Raksha Bandhan to Shaadi ke din! Sisters are there to only lootofy you! It does not matter which way she is your sister. What I mean is whether she is your Saali Sahiba or actually a Sister. That hole in your pocket is pakka!
7. Kaam waali bai! Never take her for granted! The day you are most banking on her and most hoping that she turns up to save your naak in front of the guests she is going to stand up on you! At first you would have no idea until mid day. Later when you call up to enquire, you are faced with the ever green excuse that she has a painful back!
8. Friends! Never take them for granted! They are your life support. Your only, truly and most trustworthy people. Who else would tell your wifey that you were with them when you actually partied the night away alone! But please! Stay clear of those overly helpful friends who can claim that you are still with them when your wifey is calling them up standing next to you!
9. Technology! Google! Please please never take them for granted! You never know you could have some prospective brother in law and sister in law reading all about you before they meet you! Baap re baap! The kind of questions that you may have to field for after that would be enormously heavy! Even Atlas may for once be relieved that his weight of carrying the earth on his shoulders is actually light!
10. Mobile phone. My piece of advice buddy. When you are tweeting the time away on twitter, nothing can get more handy than the mobile. After all you can click pics, upload them, tweet and even play games. But what about that time when are travelling by the train and are out of battery. Yes the railway compartments these days do have chargers but then… well begging does not help! Those two idiots who want to listen to songs and transfer them are not going to give up the charging port for you!

See, so many things that could not be taken for granted! I wish someone had not taken me for granted and told this before! At least you and I would have been saved of the trouble. Like I am now taking for granted that you would like this post, refer it to your friends, ask them to comment, you would comment etc. I can take you for granted, right?

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Engagement ke Side Effects

While life in general takes a nice sweet turn after getting engaged, it also leaves you feeling dazed and confused. Being a blogger/writer/poet with your fiancé knowing that well has its own set of pros and cons. People who know both your situations, the engagement and writer wala funda, generally tend to try to make full use of you.

I have been trying to handle all this and more since quite a few days. Read on what is the stuff that suddenly seems to start happening in your life.

1. Every Aunty walking on the road suddenly recognizes that you are no longer single and available. People have new found respect for you. More so they have new found inquisitiveness and curiosity about you.
2. You are suddenly surrounded by so many relatives, mostly women, that you don’t feel like counting them. Of these, the real relatives are generally handful. The rest just make themselves your relatives. You like it or hate it, it don’t matter!
3. Each of the relative suddenly starts to enjoy pulling your leg. If they could actually pull your leg, you would have by now become physiologically 10 times your current height!
4. Everyone suddenly starts to advise you about the golden rules of courting and wooing. It is suddenly their prerogative to advise you of the so called “Golden Period!”
5. Right from the Peon in the office (well if you have one) to your youngest relative (it does not matter if she is only 7) wants to know how you are spending time together. This despite knowing the fact that the two of us are so closely housed that a stone thrown to her house would take nearly a year to reach and also require multiple people throwing it!
6. Added to 5, suddenly people start to look at you when your phone rings, as though they already knew it was your fiancé calling! And if it turns out not, then the expression on their face is a million dollar one!
7. Each Aunty you know suddenly wants to know how much you are spending on the phone bills. They ask it like they would offer to pay it for you, you just need to reach out and ask them!
8. Added to 7, even if by chance you tell them of a flat rate plan, they have only a dirty look to give! A look that can even put Lalita Pawar and Shashikala to shame. It is downright cheap to have a flat rate plan and uber cool to incur unearthly telephone bill expenses!
9. Every Aunty in the block wants to turn your sweet, on screen Nirupa Roy like mom into a menacing Lalita Pawar ka cheap version! They are really not happy with the K-Serials that they watch on TV that they now feel the want of a Reality TV version!
10. Aunties on the block suddenly start accounting for how many hours you stood outside the house after parking the bike talking to your currently a lot sweet, little bitter soon to be better half! This information is then extrapolated to arrive at conclusions like what gift I could have or can possibly sent/send on her special occasion! The more hours that you talk, the costlier the gift!

Well, it is true that at the touch of love everyone turns into a poet, but the fact is that engagement does turn every Aunty on the block into a detective!

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10 things you must never get caught doing in the Office Cab

It has been a little over 3 weeks since I started taking the office cab to work. All thanks to my collar bone fracture I had blogged a few days back about.

Now, just like any office cab/shuttle, mine also has an assortment of people contained by a majority of guys but actually ruled by the minority called girls. Although it’s not as per Madam Mamta Banerjee’s taste of 33% reservation for women, it still has a good reservation of 28% women! That makes it 2 women and 5 men in the same cab. Things go awesome for the two women (I would prefer to refer to them as girls just because I would love to call the boys as boys!) because we boys are sacrificing enough to give them maximum seating space even if it means crouching into the foetal position in the corner of the cab.

Being an accident victim I have been given the privilege of being seated in the front seat with the driver for maximum comfort. However, it has its own advantages and disadvantages! Over the past few days I have been experiencing them a little at a time!

1. Never try your antics to look at the beautiful girl seated diagonally behind you in the driver’s mirror on your left! 9 out of 10 times you will find out that she noticed you checking her out!
2. Never talk too much thinking you would impress those girls! Girls are like fishes! Try to impress them too much and they will scamper miles away from you! More over you will be considered a show off!
3. Never talk too less! You are bound to be considered a snob! The girls will still stay miles away from you. A very thin line exists between a snob and a show off, pulling off the perfect balance is difficult and an art!
4. Never ever try to eaves drop the conversation that the girls are having. You will end up dazed, shaken and all nutty trying to figure out what they talk! They may continue talking about you and you may never know! They have such coded languages.
5. Don’t try to discuss music or movies with the girls. They never like your choice any way. Or rather let me put it this way – they never like you so your choice does not matter any way!
6. A girl may continue to talk on the phone until her wit’s end and still not be spoken about. But if you as a guy do that, the first thing to be analyzed is your brash language! Next, the junior you so very dominated in school would have her revenge and would take pot shots at you for your accented regional dialect! As though she never knew you were not allowed to talk in regional languages back in school!
7. Never discuss your school life or current school events with your junior. The girl you have so far been trying to impress would suggest you to take it offline there by showing her dislike to that subject!
8. Your blog is your blog! For nuts don’t discuss what all you put on it! She is not going to let it into her head by any chance!
9. On your way back home, it is obligatory for you to go straight back home from work. Don’t ever let the girl catch you some place otherwise! Your reputation is going to be tarnished!
10. To add to 9, even if you are caught, don’t let her catch you tweeting with your broken hand and licking a cold orange candy with the other! If you are caught, you better have a strong reason to be doing so! Sorry offering a bite out of the candy does not help!

Now you see how better off we guys are driving/riding to work everyday? You hum songs to yourself, nobody would notice you. You try pulling off stunts and nobody would tell a thing to you! As an added plus, you can even appreciate the awesome moustache that the cop on your road has hoping to get a snap clicked with him someday and nobody would brand you crazy!

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