dKing Unleashed » humor

10 Things “Being Married” teaches you

Nirav Thakker — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 10:00:33 +0000

Most of you out there may want to roll a piece of paper and hit thwack on my head and ask, “Where the fuck have you been, you assole?” after my recent almost Sanyaas from both blogging and social networking, whether online or in physical. But let me tell you, it’s not all my fault. It’s the fault of being a man with “responsibilities” now! There so many things to do, just so many! It sometimes feels like you just cannot manage to take time out for yourself, let alone blogging! What’s more, work plays an even bad spoil sport and keeps loading up on you! It’s like the Universe’s trick to get the worst on you to get the best out in you!

Let’s hit the nail right home! I am itching to write this blog post! By the way I am almost done with a month and a half of being married, which has on its own taught me so much as a precursor that I wonder sometimes what more could be left to teach. But I am proven wrong each time!

It teaches you how to share, your time I mean! You suddenly find that a large, lion’s share of your time is reserved for your family. No more sitting inside the room and reading that book you recently bought! It is important that you spend time with your family when they are watching mindless and dumb fucked serials on the idiot box. Well, you can’t read the book even before you go to sleep either! You need to understand that that time has been solely reserved for and bought by your wife. It cannot be invested in something as dumb as reading a book!
Your laptop that used to be the apple of your eye can now only be used for 2 things. One, to check and reply emails to, well if it’s an important mail, say a job mail, she needs to see too; why, you ask, then refer to point 1. Two, to watch movies in the room when she is not sleepy! It does not matter that you are sleepy; she needs company, a warm cuddly teddy bear that she can place her head on, cry and sniffle on, hug when she is scared and even kick when she is angry. That’s the primary reason the movie was to be watched inside the room!
Your Mom was kind enough to let go of the duty of not cooking once in a way when you said, rather announced that you would not take lunch from home the next day but have it at work. Your looks at you with suspicion, as though you have committed the biggest crime of your life by announcing that! She would want to know the minutest detail of why you don’t want to take it. I wonder if all wives sometimes start to think that we have a second woman in our life that we are planning to have lunch with!
You are no longer allowed to take any decisions alone! Of all the decisions that you are allowed to take, 99.99% of them need to be discussed with your wife. The only decision you are allowed to take alone is when you need to visit the loo!
You learn how to keep the other person amused. So it if you find someone coming over and telling you that you look extra cheerful, give credit to yourself, you are learning fast! By the way, this skill is expected to be kept in use all through your life. Your wife really expects you to keep her amused, sometimes with antics like a monkey or a joker!
Planning and execution are keys to any successful project. Well, you have heard this a thousand times and probably even practiced it a thousand times when you were at work or when you were at home before being married. Now it is all about executing without the plan! Out of the blues your wife would announce I am bored and demand a ride in the city. What she actually means is “Boy, I am really mind fucked right now and need to get out of here, take me to the best place in the city but make sure you cut out the traffic and all that noise!” And what would you do? Read on!
It teaches you to be a better chauffer! You are suddenly the personal chauffer to the woman you love the most apart from your mother! You are suddenly awesome when it comes to navigating the roads, something that as a pre marriage guy you sucked big time at!
It teaches you to exercise, no matter what kind of tantrums you throw, it will not work. Those countless attempts that you made and got away with when you avoided going shopping with your Mom will just not work here! She says you need to exercise. What she means is, “Do you know how much a Coolie would cost to lug all those bags around? You anyways have no better job being home, get out there and carry those heavy bags for me!”
Marriage teaches you to save. By save I don’t mean saving money, that’s what your wife would do all the time, that’s if you have someone like mine. By save I meant saving up on your stock of lies and your skin! Every married man out there knows it is a matter of survival that has to be executed perfectly! After all, you don’t want to come back home and see angry faces of both your Mom and your Wife.
The best and the most important, you learn to “Love” and to “Care”. You learn to love the fact that someone cares so much for you. You learn to love the fact that someone back home waits so patiently for you to get home so that she can be her true self. You learn to love the fact that although you are just a phone call away, she cares not to disturb you at work! You learn to love the fact that both of you care so much for each other and are truly in love with each other.

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10 Things you lose out on being Married!

Nirav Thakker — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 06:07:31 +0000

This happens to be my last post, last post as a “Bachelor”! Yes, the cat has finally been belled and will be tied to the door this Thursday! Well, i don’t think that sounds too good but then it’s ok, she can understand.

I am back with my 10 things that I think I may lose out to when i am no longer a Bachelor. Well, different people have different notions and different perceptions, these happen to be mine and are not meant to contest or hurt anyone. J

Your life suddenly comes to a standstill, you no longer are allowed long evenings out with “The Boys”. Why? Because the women in your house, AKA Mom and Wifey suddenly lay down the rules that the gates to the house close at 7. It does not matter how much fun you are having, we are here to kill that!
You suddenly find yourself cornered. The Wife (hereafter referred to as “The Boss”) and The Mom (Here after referred to as “The Super Boss”) decide that you cannot squander your wealth on your bike; there are better things that you must spend your money on or save for.
You suddenly find that all your credit cards are missing from your wallet. The Boss has taken control of your purse string and your expenses have shot up. But these expenses are not on yourself but by “The Boss” on “The Boss” for supposedly you!
Your online account password is suddenly different and you don’t know what it is any longer! The Boss and The Super Boss had collectively decided that you need to save more. Best way, give no access to the account. When you don’t know what the balance is, how will you spend?
Your hairstyle miraculously changes. You can no longer afford to be the handsome hunk or the Casanova that you were earlier. You hairstyle is changed and you now have oiled hair so that you now look like a “Champu”. And why? So that not one girl may look at you or appreciate your looks. Better each time you look at a girl, she should look and snarl at you like a Rabid Dog so that you are scared.
There is a suddenly a new rule that anything and everything that you buy has to be bought for less. Why so that you spend less and save more. As a result The Boss and The Super Boss decide you would go to work in your Shorts. But those shorts would be so long that they reach your ankles! L
You can no longer laugh carefree. You now have to keep up appearances and look at your best. So what if that means that you only smile at a joke and not laugh at it!
The Boss decides that all your holidays are her property; it is solely her decision where you would go and where you wouldn’t.
There is a restriction to almost everything! Bachat!!! Savings! You would spend lesser time on the computer. That means that all “10 Things” posts now will continue to have a title with “10 Things” but will have 9 things only in it!
You can suddenly not farce and get away easily with it! You are now supposed to come clear with everything. As clear as water!

So long friends! Say buh bye to the Nirav you knew! The next time you read a blog post from me, remember, it is no longer that Bachelor Nirav that used to Blog. It is now the married Nirav. J

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September 25, 2009 -- 10 Reasons to feel Jittery about your Wedding (7)
July 13, 2009 -- Boss On Leave (9)
June 15, 2009 -- 10 things never to take for granted (2)
June 11, 2009 -- Engagement ke Side Effects (16)
January 27, 2009 -- 10 things you must never get caught doing in the Office Cab (12)
October 24, 2008 -- The Facebook Skit (0)
October 24, 2008 -- 12 Days of Christmas (2)
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Pests at work!!!

Nirav Thakker — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 09:19:27 +0000

There are so many people at work who i know and refer to as PESTs! These PESTs come in variety of types and sizes! some tall, some short, some men, some women! These are the meanest people you would have to deal with! They get a sadistic pleasure in scaring you with a question when you are deeply engrossed doing something!

Try as much as you may, they defy all laws of nature and cling to you! And now that Section 377 has seen some new lease of life, some of these cling even more! Gaaaah!!!! I have one such pest at work and for Pete’s sake, he has developed a liking for me which I super hate!

by normaltusker | Create your own Cartoon at www.toondoo.com

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Boss On Leave

Nirav Thakker — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:14:10 +0000

Just tried my hand at some cartooning! This was the very first Cartoon strip that I have created. Let me know your comments and brickbats people!

by normaltusker | Create your own Cartoon at www.toondoo.com

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November 15, 2009 -- 10 Things you lose out on being Married! (4)
October 24, 2008 -- The Facebook Skit (0)
October 24, 2008 -- 12 Days of Christmas (2)
October 23, 2008 -- Single Girls (1)

Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!

Nirav Thakker — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:20:17 +0000

Love main saala kya kya nahin karna padta. There are times jab you are all out and knocked out after work and the meethi si aawaaz at the other end of the phone, slightly flattering you, slightly doing some maska on you and with loads of pouted lips tells you something. Kya karoge? You can do absolutely nothing. You know you are a toy in her hand, yet you gracefully accept your death. Just because saala Love ke liye kuch bhi karega! Then comes that phase when you decide I am going to rebel, saala bahut sun liya! I am going to tell her I am not going to help you. You just open your mouth to say that and you hear her mildly sobbing! You let go. Why? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi Karega!

Now those of you wondering what all is possible, after all, ek ladki kya maang sakti hai, check it out for yourself!

You are in the middle of Bermuda Triangle and you receive a call from your would be or already significant other. She says, “Suno, its X’s anniversary tomorrow. What should I gift her?” You reply, “Anything sweetie.” Pat comes the reply, “No but I want you to suggest.” You tell her that you will think over and let her know in a while. Poor you, you google it, tweet it get the details and then get back to her. “Jaan what do you think about this as a gift?” And all the reply that you get is, “But I already bought something else for her. I just wanted to know what you think we could gift her!” There go your precious hours of research into the drain. You can’t even regret it. Why? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
A hectic week and to top that you are stuck with a set of effing Baboons everywhere, just about everywhere. Out comes the thunder from the blues. “Suno, it is Y’s birthday the next week. P is planning to do something different for her this time. She has asked all of us to record a minute long video to wish X.” The so very sweet and gullible you say “Good. So how did it go?” She, “The video came out ok, but you know all of them told me and even I was thinking…” You, like the fish that is almost caught in the net have your heart pounding, waiting for her to complete, listen “… that why don’t you also record a video wishing her?” you tell her that it is not possible and would try and all that stuff. You put it off for a few days, but then come that final ultimatum one fine night when you are talking. “Don’t you love me?” “I love you dear” “Then why can’t you do this for me?” Bakra kat gaya! The very next morning you record the video and send it to her. Kyun? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
It’s just a normal day and you are trying to be all nice and romantic with her. Suddenly she says “I am thinking of the different innovative ideas we can use on Z’s birthday. We all are planning to make a book of nice things about her. Q has already written 3 pages already for her.” You have no idea where this is going, but you listen. Then comes the Bhramastra, catching you totally unaware, “Do you love me?” “Yes, very much” “Can you not do me a favor?” “Of course dear, after all your wish is my command” “Then you know na how bad I am at writing creatively, write something for her on my behalf na?” “Ok, I will write a few lines and message it to you.” “Not a few lines, I want at least 3 pages, after all I have to write as much as Q!” Then she tells you for 3 continuous nights about Z and you talk nothing else but that. Finally you send her 6 pages of a well drafted piece of writing! Why? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
Your well drafted piece of writing reaches her alright. She sees your handwriting and says, “Jaan you have such terrible handwriting, how am I ever going to comprehend what you have written.” You sit up with her all through while she is writing to tell her what you have written. Something you never did even with your best friend when you wrote assignments during college! Kyun? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
It’s her birthday. You have already thought up everything that you could possibly gift her. You have even indirectly asked her for over 15 days what gift she wants. You at times feel like you are getting hit continuously under the belt. Still you stick on. Finally you wait for the D-Day and send her a gift after you know what everyone has gifted. You lie to her that the courier got returned. She scolds you for overspending and asks you to keep the gift with you till you meet her next. But you still send. That too after paying double for the shipping charges. Why? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
For her birthday, you spend hours at a stretch to buy a sweet card for her. You put your best talent at work and write 4 lines of best poetry, shout at your brother for not couriering it at time. She receives it and says, “The card was nice” You inquire if she read the words in it. She says, “No, it was too much and you know na I don’t like to read so much. More over, why did you even buy the card?” and there goes the card into the drawer, probably never to see the light of the day. You still think and plan how you are going to make her feel good next time round. Kyun? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
She suddenly plans to go out for a movie with a bunch of friends. It’s around 4 in the evening and you are feeling super frustrated after slogging your butts off at work. There comes a call, you see it is her, you are eager to talk and with all your love in your voice you tell “Hello” and she says, “Listen I am with my friends and I want you to talk to them, I have come out for a movie with A, B, C, D, E and F, I will just give the phone to A” you protest telling you don’t even know them. But all is futile; the phone is already in A, B, C, D, E, or F’s hand. You are left with no option but to speak to them. Finally she comes back on call and says “Why did you speak so less?” You have no answer, but still manage to stay calm and put. Why? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
You go out shopping with her. Much to your amusement, she says that she is not going to buy anything. Gullible, you fall for it. By the time you are back home, your pocket seems light, very light. No very very light. Your protests against buying those extra pair of slippers, that new pair of jeans, that Kurti that she bought all goes futile. You relent on the only condition that you are not going to carry it all alone. She agrees. She picks up the heaviest bag and you can’t see that and take all the bags from her, become her coolie. Kyun? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
You love that stubble of yours. Your friends tell you that you look awesome with it. You have worked hard maintaining it for years now. Shaving sparingly. Suddenly she comes in your life and tells you to get rid of the chidiya ka ghosla from your face, you protest. Out come the tears. Out comes the shaving blade. You are now clean shaven much against your wishes. Why? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!
Lastly, you see a nice group of girls discussing girly stuff. You, with their permission of course, start following their conversations. They give you tips and tricks on how to make her happy. You try them. Out comes the question, “I thought you never had any girlfriends. How are you then giving me all that I want but never told you? What are you doing behind my back? I think you are spending too much time online. Once I am there, I don’t want you to spend any time online!” You, like the most obedient kid around the house nod your head and agree. Kyun? Kyunki Love ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!

Well, if you have even been through any one of this, then my friend, you need to worry and act fast. You have just been bitten by the Love bug and it is going to knock you out cold anytime soon. Well, if there is no go, then you can stop worrying. Actually there is no use worrying. Just start training yourself to be the obedient one!

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The Facebook Skit

Nirav Thakker — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 10:09:00 +0000

Penn Masala presents The Facebook Skit, a parody of Enrique Iglesias’ song Hero.

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October 24, 2008 -- 12 Days of Christmas (2)
October 23, 2008 -- Single Girls (1)
November 15, 2009 -- 10 Things you lose out on being Married! (4)
July 13, 2009 -- Boss On Leave (9)

12 Days of Christmas

Nirav Thakker — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 08:40:02 +0000

Another amazing video by BoyMongoose!

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October 23, 2008 -- Single Girls (1)
October 24, 2008 -- The Facebook Skit (0)
November 15, 2009 -- 10 Things you lose out on being Married! (4)
July 13, 2009 -- Boss On Leave (9)

Single Girls

Nirav Thakker — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:30:44 +0000

Awesome Vid by BoyMongoose(www.boymongoose.com)! Apt for singletons like u(am assuming that!) n me!

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October 24, 2008 -- 12 Days of Christmas (2)
October 24, 2008 -- The Facebook Skit (0)
November 15, 2009 -- 10 Things you lose out on being Married! (4)
July 13, 2009 -- Boss On Leave (9)

dKing Unleashed » humor

10 Things “Being Married” teaches you

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