10 Things “Being Married” teaches you

Most of you out there may want to roll a piece of paper and hit thwack on my head and ask, “Where the fuck have you been, you assole?” after my recent almost Sanyaas from both blogging and social networking, whether online or in physical. But let me tell you, it’s not all my fault. It’s the fault of being a man with “responsibilities” now! There so many things to do, just so many! It sometimes feels like you just cannot manage to take time out for yourself, let alone blogging! What’s more, work plays an even bad spoil sport and keeps loading up on you! It’s like the Universe’s trick to get the worst on you to get the best out in you!

Let’s hit the nail right home! I am itching to write this blog post! By the way I am almost done with a month and a half of being married, which has on its own taught me so much as a precursor that I wonder sometimes what more could be left to teach. But I am proven wrong each time!

1. It teaches you how to share, your time I mean! You suddenly find that a large, lion’s share of your time is reserved for your family. No more sitting inside the room and reading that book you recently bought! It is important that you spend time with your family when they are watching mindless and dumb fucked serials on the idiot box. Well, you can’t read the book even before you go to sleep either! You need to understand that that time has been solely reserved for and bought by your wife. It cannot be invested in something as dumb as reading a book!
2. Your laptop that used to be the apple of your eye can now only be used for 2 things. One, to check and reply emails to, well if it’s an important mail, say a job mail, she needs to see too; why, you ask, then refer to point 1. Two, to watch movies in the room when she is not sleepy! It does not matter that you are sleepy; she needs company, a warm cuddly teddy bear that she can place her head on, cry and sniffle on, hug when she is scared and even kick when she is angry. That’s the primary reason the movie was to be watched inside the room!
3. Your Mom was kind enough to let go of the duty of not cooking once in a way when you said, rather announced that you would not take lunch from home the next day but have it at work. Your looks at you with suspicion, as though you have committed the biggest crime of your life by announcing that! She would want to know the minutest detail of why you don’t want to take it. I wonder if all wives sometimes start to think that we have a second woman in our life that we are planning to have lunch with!
4. You are no longer allowed to take any decisions alone! Of all the decisions that you are allowed to take, 99.99% of them need to be discussed with your wife. The only decision you are allowed to take alone is when you need to visit the loo!
5. You learn how to keep the other person amused. So it if you find someone coming over and telling you that you look extra cheerful, give credit to yourself, you are learning fast! By the way, this skill is expected to be kept in use all through your life. Your wife really expects you to keep her amused, sometimes with antics like a monkey or a joker!
6. Planning and execution are keys to any successful project. Well, you have heard this a thousand times and probably even practiced it a thousand times when you were at work or when you were at home before being married. Now it is all about executing without the plan! Out of the blues your wife would announce I am bored and demand a ride in the city. What she actually means is “Boy, I am really mind fucked right now and need to get out of here, take me to the best place in the city but make sure you cut out the traffic and all that noise!” And what would you do? Read on!
7. It teaches you to be a better chauffer! You are suddenly the personal chauffer to the woman you love the most apart from your mother! You are suddenly awesome when it comes to navigating the roads, something that as a pre marriage guy you sucked big time at!
8. It teaches you to exercise, no matter what kind of tantrums you throw, it will not work. Those countless attempts that you made and got away with when you avoided going shopping with your Mom will just not work here! She says you need to exercise. What she means is, “Do you know how much a Coolie would cost to lug all those bags around? You anyways have no better job being home, get out there and carry those heavy bags for me!”
9. Marriage teaches you to save. By save I don’t mean saving money, that’s what your wife would do all the time, that’s if you have someone like mine. By save I meant saving up on your stock of lies and your skin! Every married man out there knows it is a matter of survival that has to be executed perfectly! After all, you don’t want to come back home and see angry faces of both your Mom and your Wife.
10. The best and the most important, you learn to “Love” and to “Care”. You learn to love the fact that someone cares so much for you. You learn to love the fact that someone back home waits so patiently for you to get home so that she can be her true self. You learn to love the fact that although you are just a phone call away, she cares not to disturb you at work! You learn to love the fact that both of you care so much for each other and are truly in love with each other.

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